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Monday, June 06, 2005
It has become incredibly hard to find the time to write. I keep trying to schedule some time for it every day. I just can't seem to stick to my planned time. When I get here, it's hard to get my fingers to move. I want to push them. I think I have lost sight of the goal I had when the urge to do this caused me to take classes. I had a devestating personal setback. I have not been the same since. It's like the incident sucked the life out of me. I'm still using it as an excuse for things. Maybe it has just become easier not to write. I keep thinking my ideas stink. I didn't think they stunk before. I can point to the date where I began to think my ideas stunk. Tell me that it's all in my head. OK, it is, but that's when it started. Now, it seems that I am about to climb back into the frying pan. I am about to get the job back that I lost a few months ago. I got up this morning to get ready for work. The ideas hit me in the shower. I feel that I am scared to get back into the same position. I'm afraid that I will do something to lose it again, and this time there won't be any safety net under me. Am I being set up by the district manager? Does he want to get me back into a position where he can see what I do daily, and use that to get rid of me? They did that last time, used things to create a paper trail to screw me. So here it is, June, and I'm still trying to repair a fractured ego and frail sense of worth. Maybe I need a bigger dose of antidepressants. I could do that in a heartbeat. But is that the problem, am I depressed because of a setback? I seem to be taking an awfully long time recovering here. Enough. I need to go to bed. Inventory this week. In at 5:30 every day. More later, if I still have a reader that hasn't committed suicide from reading this depressing dose.
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